An Open Letter to and About an Angel

You’re the one, you’ve always been the one.

I was too dumb to see it at first. I remember first laying eyes on you. I thought you were beautiful, but never dreamed that one day you’d be mine. Your smile and your laugh were infectious. I put myself around you just to experience the pleasure of both.

Given our age difference I never considered the possibility of us dating; me in my twenties and you barely legal, it just didn’t seem like something that was feasible. Still, I had to be around you.

I remember many times when you were dating that OTHER guy when you and I would sit and talk to each-other, right there in front of him, and it felt like we had this sub terranean flirtation transpiring between the two of us, something that no one else really knew about, but it was something you and I both felt…we were both attracted to each-other, we both had feelings, and I think we both felt the electricity flying back and forth during our pointless conversations around those circular white tables.

But it was just flirtation…or at least that’s what I thought at first. Then you dumped HIM and WE became something…what we started off as I’m not sure…it was very…raw…carnal…very surface. We tore each-other apart on the first date on that bench. The entire night the look in your eyes told me everything I needed to know. You were aching for me to kiss you, it was in your every movement…and I was aching to kiss you.

Our relationship was good, great even…very raw and base level, but sincere and powerful. There were complications angel…long drawn out complications…but I always loved you, through it all, believe it or not.

We resolved them…we changed as people. We both became stronger, more mature, and more determined about what we wanted. Our relationship has deepened so much, and a lot of that is thanks to you, and your endurance. You’re amazing, incredible. You stuck by me, you never gave up…even though I know many times you wanted to…many times you wanted me to believe you did so maybe I’d go away and you wouldn’t risk being hurt again.

Your unconditional love is what amazes me and touches me more than anything. When I’m around you it’s like our souls entangle with each-other and the connection is just beyond words. It’s almost like our hearts share the same beat. Holding you in silence has become my new definition of heaven. You are my angel, my heart, my love, my eternal.

Britni, this is for you.

Years Make Everything Alright…

“The last time
You fall on me for anything you like
Your one last line
You fall on me for anything you like
And years make everything alright
You fall on me for anything you like
And I no I don’t mind”

Does time heal all wounds? Not sure really. I mean what’s better: outright apologetic resolution or denial and scorched backs? If you let something sit for long enough is there an erosion factor that occurs in the invisible that wipes away past transgressions and allows both parties to move together or apart amicably?I don’t know the answer to any of these questions. I wish I did because it would have assisted me a hell of a lot over the years.

Random Minds Breed Random Lines

I deeply apologize for not staying current with my blogs…my life = insanity. So here is a look at my thoughts to update you…kind of…on where I am.

What is it about the super spiritual religious nut jobs? Have you ever notice they all look alike? Christian T Shirts with some corny saying like “His pain your gain” or “God answers knee mail”. They are always almost wearing tube socks and cheap levis (or denim shorts). And they almost always walk slump shouldered with a sunken chest. The other day I had one walk up to me and hand me a booklet and he said “Just in case you’re wondering what us crazy guys are doing praying in the mall here is a little information”. I was like, actually no, I wasn’t wondering, I already knew. Judging by the lack of a wedding band on your fingers you are single guys that are too wacked out on religion to attract an everyday female, and since your kind seems to be a dime a dozen all the wacked out ones that would be attracted to you are already taken hence the reason you’re trolling the mall wearing your religion on your sleeve all while ruining Gods rep, which I’m sure He doesn’t appreciate…you don’t exactly make living for good ol’ JC look like that much fun…just saying.

So I read the first Harry Potter book cause my friend had a free copy. I have to say, it was amazingly entertaining, I read it in a week. I was floored to be honest. All the while I’d assumed it was lame because of all the fanatical fan boy geeks (no offense) that dressed up in capes and pretended to be wizards. But in reality it’s a really great story. I already have the next 4 and will paw through them rather quickly. I just go to show that you don’t have to LOOK like Harry Potter to LIKE Harry Potter. Glad I could break the myth open!

Kanye West! I love the guy, what can I say. I know there are many that complain and cry because they think he is too cocky. Granted, he may have an ego. But when you drop what are arguably three of the greatest rap albums in the last decade back to back to back you might just have little bit of a reason to have some strut in your step. I don’t even call what he has ego, it’s confidence, it’s an awareness of talent and effect. People come at me all the time accusing me of being cocky…egotistical even, and I shrug it off because I’m aware. I’m aware that I maintain and I let it be what it will be.

Work…work…and more work. I love my job though. I love the people. I work in one of the most liberal environments on the planet. Two gay guys and a bunch of democrats. My boss is famous in the gay community because of the nation wide policy impacts he’s had. I’m not going to give his name because that isn’t my right. But needless to say I’m sure some know who he is, and if not a quick google reference will change that. Anyway they are all great people. It’s a pretty free flow non smothering place to work.

Happy happy joy joy, Obama is ahead of Hilary. Obama will take the nomination I’m sure and if he does I’m positive he’ll win the election come November. What an awesome step forward for America that will be, I can’t wait.

Anyway, that’s me…kind of…right now…

~jv~

Giving it a Try

Harry Potter.

I’d written this book series off since its conception.

I realized it was wildly popular and had a very large fan base that spanned from the oldest to the youngest, but still, I wrote it off.

I wrote it off for a couple of reasons, the first one being the fans. I’m sorry, but the people lined up at midnight dressed up as wizards and witches…well that basically quelled any desire I had to read the books. To me it was all a bit too…well nerdy. No offense if you dressed up and were one of those rabid fans, do your thing. But for me it was all a bit much, very D&D 40 yr old virgin’ish, if I may say so.

The second thing that killed it was the subject matter. I mean honestly, can a kid wizard really be that entertaining? Magic and owls, oooooo, hold me back.

As a start up writer myself with minimal yet ever widening exposure, I do as much reading as I can. Being the best reader and being the best writer go hand in hand, as an author friend of mine once told me. I try to expose my mind to every facet of literature, yet for some reason Harry Potter just wasn’t a field I was willing to explore.

So to bring it up to date I’m currently on the last stretch of my novel; the one I’ve been working on for almost a year. Recently I’ve been stuffing my mind with material, reading as much as I possibly can with work and the gym and the girlfriend in my life. I’m sitting at my brother in law’s apartment and I’m looking at his books and I see Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone.

It’s a fresh copy; unread. He told me his mom sent it to him but he just never felt like reading it. Well, curiosity pulls at my strings and so I ask him if I can borrow it, just to see what the fuss is about. He shrugs it off, telling me to take it with me. I do so, figuring I’ll flip through the first couple pages, laugh, and put it down.

Well surprisingly enough I’m still reading it. It’s actually halfway decent, far from the greatest thing I’ve ever set eyes on, but it’s decent–entertaining even. I plan to finish it at this point and if it maintains its quality level throughout I may just read the next one and take it from there.

 Sometimes it’s good to be wrong.

How Religious Art Thou

This isn’t anything deep, just some brief…personal observations.

I had a guy tell me the other day that something was against his religion…then he went on to tell me exactly how religious he is. It left a sour taste in my mouth, it truely did. I felt bad for him really, because from my experience you don’t become that, you’re brought up in it. No one chooses to live a life of such density and constriction, it is instilled within them through years of fear and brutality, be it physical or mental.

God and religion are two different things. God to me relates more to grace and a set of helpful guidelines meant to increase the quality of life for the person that partakes of them. Religion is like a chastity belt to try to keep the flock in line and in control for the sake of the powers that be.

I am in no way shape or form religious. I’m pretty much the furthest thing from it. I’ve escaped the Matrix, as it were.

The religious are constantly trying to work their way into heaven through deeds and outward facade…and honestly, if heaven were that hard to get into I’d just say to hell with it and have myself a good old time now. But thank God heaven is a gift for those who believe.

I know some people that are going to be shocked and pissed off when they see I made it in.

Practicing What I Preach…it Sucks Sometimes…

I haven’t been blogging everyday, and I apologize to those who actually care.

I’ve been working harder than a one legged man in an a$$ kicking contest. And juggling everything else around work, well, it’s been a beast. But I’ve managed, and even better, I’ve managed it with a good…no scratch that…GREAT attitude.

I’ve been into fitness for a long time. I always told people there is no excuse for not working out. They always said one day when i worked i would understand.

Well, when i was into fitness i was working then, and still working out. But now I’m working more hours than i’ve ever worked. I go to work before the sun rises and get off as it’s setting. But even so, when i get home, with tired eyes and a tired spirit i put on my gym clothes and i FORCE myself out the front door and to the gym. And angry and tired, with my ipod blasting, i beat my body into submission.

I was so exhausted after the gym the other day that i came home and hadcollapsed in the chair watching some t.v…well actually it was kind of just staring at a moving picture with no idea what was going on, and next thing i know i’m waking up an hour later, my head collapsed on the table next to the chair…i had blacked out. It was nuts.

On top of that i juggle a rather serious relationship. I’ve had people say that a relationship is too much work with crazy day consuming time committments, and i always stood by the notion that if you want something bad enough you make it happen.

Well guess what, I’m making it happen. Tonight I saw her, after work, after dropping off the dry cleaning, I spent my evening with her. Tired, beat down, I saw her and my spirits lifted.

I start school again full time in April…on top of work…on top of the gym…on top of the girlfriend, and guess what? I’ll make it work. It’s only for a season, and these things that I’m sewing into will reap an amazing harvest in my future. School will be over, I’ll have my Masters, maybe even a Doctorate, and I’ll move on up to a better job, my relationship will be amazing, my body in line with my spirit; it’s all going to pay off so greatly because I’ve put first things first.

Oh yeah, did I mention church…the Lord; my numero uno? Yeah, He is first, He gets my mornings and late nights, my first fruits, and all day Sunday is usually spent serving at church. And you want to know something else? I think that because I’ve been putting Him first that that’s the main reason I’ve found the time to pursue, successfully, all of these other tasks that are before me.

Attitude is key in the whole thing. I could sooooo easily get a pissy attitude because of the stocked plate that I have before me, but I CHOOSE to keep my head on straight.

And then there is the book I’m writing too…wow, okay…I’ve got to go, I’ve got things to do…

Motive

This is going to be rather short because I’m feeling a bit blah’ish.

I was flipping through the B-I-B-L-E this morning and was reading Zechariah Ch:7. I am drawn particularly to the 5th verse of that chapter.

The Lord is talking to the people of Bethel in that chapter regarding their insincere practices, particularly as it pertains to fasting, something they collectively did twice each year at the same time. The Lord basically rebukes their actions, pointing out that what they are doing is not unto him but unto themselves, to make themselves look good. It’s a routine thing for them, a practice, something they do just to say “hey, look, I did it again this year, I’m a good Christian” and then they go back to whatever it is they were doing before.

You see, to God, it was a heart issue on their part. They were not doing this because it was their one true desire to bring honor to God. They did it because it was part of the Christian game, it was expected, it was religion and everyone else was doing it too.

There is a major difference between doing something to make yourself look good and in vibe with the doctrine and practice, and doing something out of the sincerity of your love for the creator, and only you and God really know.

This crosses over into your daily interaction with other people. There are people all over who do things just because it makes them look good and they appreciate the pats on the back. It’s the difference between giving to a charity publicly with spotlight recognition and giving to it anonymously.

If you do something and happen to be honored in the process awesome, but don’t do it with the intention of being honored, that defeats the entire spirit of generosity and good will.

God is the same way. It’s a heart issue. It’s the reason behind the action, the motive.

Do You Have Any Fish in Your Life?

We see in the second chapter of Jonah where Jonah himself is crying out to God from the belly of a fish (this can be taken figurativley or literally, your choice). He has, through his own disobedience, trapped himself in bondage, a sinking tomb, in a slow but certain death.

By stepping off the path and mission that had been set for his life and doing things his way he got himself to a place beyond his control that was literally killing him.

At that moment, realizing his own futility in the sight of God he cries out for salvation, confessing his need for a savior and singing praise and thanksgiving to God.

God delivered him and he was set free from his bondage (the fish).

Something I’ve realized lately is that I can’t depend upon myself for joy and salvation. I thought I could, but situations change. Things change, and if my joy is dependent upon situations and things then my life is going to be like a rollercoaster.

If you want to find the quickest way to suicidal depression (and I mean that very literally) then go ahead and depend on situations and things for your joy.

If you don’t have some type of inner stability and peace and joy, the kind that can only come from Christ, well then you’re in for one turmoil ridden existence and I wish you the best.

What “fish” have you created in your life? What is it that is pulling you down? What is it that is slowly killing you and is so big that it’s now beyond your control?

Cry out to God, and he will deliver you.

There is a song that says “when you don’t know what else to say, say the name of Jesus”

That’s pretty much the big and small of it.

I’ve Been a Mess

For those of you who faithfully read this stuff let me first apologize for the delay in new material. I’ve been a mess lately.

I started a new job at the beginning of the week and got food poisoning my first day there. I was in the hospital that whole night hooked up to an IV, trying to get hydrated. Needless to say i didn’t make it to work the following morning. I tried going back in to the office today and got violently ill again; apparently the sickness was still in my system.

I’ve slept pretty much the entire day today, dosing medicine, drinking fluid, trying to get well. I feel a bit better and will make another attempt at work tomorrow.

Everything else is good, hectic because I’ve been too sick to stay on top of stuff, but good, life goes on.

I’ll have something of substance up here again soon.

The Life and Times of an Urban Playboy

Life is hectic. It’s like going an unlimited number of rounds with a semi-pro boxer. He doesn’t really kick your tail, but he can wear you out a bit.

This year I’ve been getting re-enrolled in school, which as been a pain in and of itself, I have to re-apply for student aid, get all my tax info together again, fill out tons of paperwork, sign my soul over, etc. It’s going to be worth it though; I’ll be getting my Bachelors degree finally, and then I hope to be able to go and teach English in Japan for a couple of years.

I still want to be a Dallas cop, that process is just going slower than expected because I have to get my official transcripts from my school and they won’t send them till the student aid is taken care of.

In the meantime I just got a really good job in Dallas working for a real estate firm doing underwriting and pre-collections work. It pays well, and it’s in the city, in one of those tall 20 plus story buildings right in the heart of everything. The lobby is gorgeous, it has the whole rotating door, security guard front desk check in set-up. Very business, very classy…romantic even…

If you have a love for the city and all things urban then you will understand my affinity. I’m just very thankful for the job and the opportunity. It’s a 9-5, monday through friday deal, and I really couldn’t ask for more right now, it’s a blessing for sure.

I’ll have my weekends and once everything is moving on the right track I’ll be carousing the Dallas nightlife once again, reuniting with my partners in crime, and romancing the vapors of a midnight destiny.

That’s me right now, busy, happy, content, but never dormant. I just found out I got the job today; I had a feeling because my interview was spot on.

Again, I’m blessed. I hope the same for you, whoever you may be.